Lost and Found
How in time we lose our true inner self and how to reclaim it
I named my substack The Reawakening because I knew I was lost when I started writing here. I was once alive, creative, and a totally different person. I believed she had died years ago and I was stuck with what I had become. I didn’t like myself and I wanted my old self back. So I began searching for her.
As the years of our lives pile on and the world eats away at our spirit, we morph into beings that have adapted to survive. We tend to lose time and pieces of ourselves, as each year zips by and we don’t know how it happens. The joy we once knew seems lost… but is it gone forever?
From a young age, I was an artist. I gravitated to textile art and my work was exhibited frequently. I got commission work regularly, which I wasn’t expecting or looking for. I wanted to be an art therapist but that didn’t happen.
Life has a funny way of taking you on wild detours to places you never expected. That’s happened to me at the age of 23 and my happy self got lost in the transition.
My creative self slowly choked to death. The only thing I salvaged was my cooking. I had to eat after all. I never let my passion for cooking die. I like to think it was the pilot light that kept the flame going for my creativity.
I spent years grinding away at what I had to do. I was too tired to be creative. Besides, I couldn’t find that spark.
When the dust settled in my whirlwind life, I started looking for that spark. At first, I couldn’t find it. I didn’t give up looking though. Then one day, out of the blue, it came out of hiding.
Four years ago I was working as a front desk clerk at a local hotel. It was a job I could do in the first 15 minutes of my shift and then had nothing else to do. My boss had a strict ‘no cell phone’ policy but she let me use mine. I did my job and I was trustworthy, or so I was told.
One day, while I was reading an article, an ad for yarn came on the screen. It was a gorgeous color and I kept staring at it. I clicked the link and the spark came to life.
I have to explain why this was amazing. As a textile artist, I also designed clothes. Not only could I sew and tailor clothing but I also designed it. That included designing sweaters using patterns I created. I had ‘yarn cravings’ where I’d go to stores a just hold the yarn to get my fix. (I did this even after I lost my spark, lol) It’s a little weird but it worked for me.
I decided to buy some yarn. I also bought myself an entire set of knitting needles and an entire set of crochet hooks. I never had that when I was younger, so I treated myself now. I think it’s like the big box of Crayola’s you didn’t have as a kid. And so it began…
I’m not sure what revived the spark of creativity in me, but I’m happy it came back. My yarn habit is back too for whatever it’s worth. The best part of this is that I’m happy.
Eight years ago I started drawing. I never thought I could draw, but one day I sat down and tried. It turned out pretty well. I kept trying and each effort kept getting better. I got going on this because my husband and I had a store. There was a lot of downtime. I was tired of reading tons of books. I found I like to draw with graphite and that I needed lessons in using colored pencils. Then we closed the store and I stopped drawing.
While we had the store I also tried my hand at photography. I’ve had a lot of friends who were fantastic photographers. I have no talent, at least with cameras. My husband returned from Egypt with products for our shop. I wanted to photograph them for our website. Our neighbor, who was an artist, offered to teach me how I could use my cell phone to do that. I was amazed at how nicely they came out. After this, I never used my camera except to document apartment damage, lol.
I’m sharing these little stories for two reasons.
First, you should always try stuff you think you can’t do. You never know what you can or can’t do until you try it. Keep at it, too. Give yourself permission to suck at it. It’s called learning. Try things you’ve always wanted to do and see how it goes. Have fun.
Second, I started drawing again. I’ve been wanting to do this for quite a while. I’m making time for myself. (that’s the next post I’m going to write) I found a great sale of sketchbooks and I’m stocked up. I also bought some markers (which I don’t know how to use… I already make a mess with them, lol) And I’ve started taking photographs again.
I’ve got a plan going here
A while ago my husband said something profound to me that sparked creativity and fun! He said I should go for a walk on the boardwalk just because. No errands, just to go get air.
I’ve got serious degenerative bone disease throughout my body. I don’t walk very well these days. When I do go out it’s for errands and I end up beaten up. At first, I thought his idea was just a nice thought… then inspiration struck.
We live a very short distance from the boardwalk in Atlantic City, NJ. It’s a beautiful and quiet section of the beach. It’s what little nature that exists in the city. I got to thinking that I could photograph the natural elements, the birds, etc, and then draw them.
Then, the idea expanded. I could also use Snapseed photo software to enhance the pictures and use them for my social media (and share them with you).
Then, I realized I could create a nature sketchbook. Documenting my finds (if I can find anything… that’s the challenge)
I started watching YouTube how-to videos on colored pencils and nature journals/sketchbooks. This stuff is a challenge that I’m up for.
I also found something on YouTube called neurographic drawing. That’s my first attempt at drawing again. I’m playing around with the colored pencils (getting pretty good at it thanks to the videos) and it’s how I discovered I need a lot more work learning about the markers, lol. I made a big boo-boo. I had fun and I’m still working on the piece. The ultimate was that every time I work on it I get into the zone!! What a rush. I’ve really missed that.
And here I am sharing this with you…
If you have lost your spark, don’t give up looking for it.
I swore I’d never see mine again if you asked me a few years ago. I think mine was hiding until it felt safe to come out.
Truthfully, I think it was gone because I never gave it any room (or permission) to come out.
I’ve made space for it intentionally.
I’ve made space for myself intentionally.
That’s another post altogether that I will write.
I hope this gave you a little inspiration, and maybe you felt a little spark poking you. I hope so.
We all need fun and playfulness in our lives.
I missed having the freedom to express my feelings through art and creativity. I love having my brain fire up with sudden inspiration, making connections like in the old days.
When I got into the zone drawing I lost all sense of time. It’s been a long time since that’s happened and it feels good. So good that I don’t want it to end.
I’ve been in a wonderful mood since I’ve gotten back to creating. I feel relaxed and calm. What wonderful therapy.